Anxiety and the Indian
Within the South Asian community, mental health is something that is hardly acknowledged and considered to be somewhat shameful. Anxiety had been a major part of my life for over 2 years. and I write in the hope that someone else out there going through a similar stage in life will find reassurance and comfort through my journey.
At 22 years old, I am yet to truly experience life.
My first year and a half at university were as normal as anyones. Just like everybody else, I went about my studies and enjoyed the occasional night out and socialising with my friends. Looking around me sometimes, I noticed how my peers differed from me drastically. They were exceedingly passionate about their courses and plans for the future and in my eyes, seemed to almost have their lives together. Whereas, I had more of a “take it as it comes” attitude, which I began to question later on.
I met many different people during my time at uni, several of whom in their own way, had a very big impact in my life. Some good and a handful, disastrous and almost self-destructive. I guess I can admit that I’ve always been a little bit of an over-thinker and a worrier for as long as I can remember. I envy laid-back people who can go about their everyday life without letting other peoples opinions trouble them. But that’s just not how I operate and I never have.
It began when I decided to visit the doctor due to feelings of nausea that I had been experiencing for a few months. I was told that the cause of this was stress and that I need to find a way to relax, which was easier said than done due to the fact that my second year exams were right around the corner.
Over the next few months, several incidents occurred, including the sudden death of a family member, involvement in a car accident and a heartbreak (to name a few), all causing a snowball effect, vigorously adding to my stress and making it almost impossible to relax. My behaviour began to change, which didn’t go unnoticed by family and friends. Being a devoted individual who used to pray on a regular basis, I lost my faith and turned my back on my religious beliefs. My usual studious and cerebral traits were a thing of the past and I began to push people away and reject anyone who tried to reach out to me. I was extremely alert and ready for something unfortunate to happen or to go wrong at any given time. The strange thing is, i was always aware that my thoughts and fears are irrational, yet i was still helpless to it. The advice I was given was always the same.
“You just need to be more positive”.
“People have it so much worse than you”.
“You’re not even trying to change”.
“It’s all in your head”.
Although they had good intentions, it was easier to avoid people than to listen to their comments and advice which were of no help. Going back to university for my final year, I was surrounded by the same driven people and buzzing environments which I felt I no longer fit into. Everyone around me had some sort of goal or direction. They had everything together whereas I felt like a failure. Like I didn’t know where I was going and that I would never be as content as them. My sense of self worth and self-respect deteriorated immensely, causing me to shut everyone out and let myself be treated poorly, believing that it was all I deserved.
I had my first panic attack on a train on the way back to university after visiting a friend. People often suppose that anxiety is a psychological thing. The reality is that it’s all very physical:
My heart rate and breathing increased, I was continuously nauseous and I had lost my appetite. Insomnia took over, as well as tiredness due to lack of sleep. One way to describe it is it’s like the constant feeling of butterflies in your tummy, feeling rushes of adrenaline and keeping you up at night. My body would feel numb. I would feel suffocated. I could hear my heartbeat ringing through my ears and I just didn’t know how to make it stop.
The anxiety almost became a part of me, going with me everywhere and becoming something that I was no longer able to control. Eventually, I became isolated, even when I was around others. I began behaving recklessly and depended on alcohol to help me deal with myself. I was crying out for help, but I didn’t know who to reach out to or what to do. When at my very lowest, although I have never contemplated ending my life at any point, I decided that if it happened to end soon enough, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.
I felt completely lost, to a point where I, as well as my nearest and dearest, didn’t even know who I was anymore.
My degree began to suffer immensely. Now in my final year, I avoided any possible responsibility that I had, including completing assignments and taking care of myself. I had been contacted by student services who granted me extensions for my deadlines and urged me to book an appointment with the student counsellor. At first, I decided to ignore this, despite it causing me more stress.
The thing about anxiety is that it becomes a vicious cycle. I was avoiding uni because I was anxious, but I was anxious because I was avoiding uni. Eventually, it got to a point where I was “anxious about being anxious”. Several months and several panic attacks later, I decided that this may not be something that I can overcome by myself and that I desperately need help.
Due to my parents’ distress, I finally implied the idea of visiting a counsellor, which was received with even more concern. I was told that counselling was “for people with severe mental issues, which I do not have. Not for people with loving, supportive families. Not for young people like me with a future. Not for someone who has everything they could possibly need.”
“Not for you.”
It’s then that I realised that my parents may not always know what’s best for me. So I decided that in order to help myself, it would involve being slightly discreet from my family.
Indians tend to have a mentality that receiving counselling is somewhat something to be ashamed of. “What will other people think?” something that is seen as “taboo" despite all the awareness, a sign of imperfection or humiliation. The fact that it's perceived as a flaw is what leads to ignorance.
After a consultation and many questionnaires, I met Dr John the counsellor. We slowly worked step by step, addressing where the anxiety rooted from and how to overcome it. No-one can help you until you want to help yourself. I had forgotten who my old self was and reading a series of diary entries I had kept over the years allowed me to familiarise myself with that person once again. With the help of John, i was able to take baby steps and learn to enjoy the little things in life again. John encouraged me to write as a way of expressing my thoughts, through which, unaware, I was giving myself the advice and the encouragement I needed to control the anxiety.
Dr John gave me the tools and guidance I needed to help myself. I saw a difference in myself after every session and as a result, I began looking forward to it. By no means did changes happen overnight. Throughout the year, I would have good days and bad days. Good days, however, would be concluded with thoughts of “today was a little bit too good. Surely something will go wrong tomorrow”. And of course, bad days were filled with uncontrollable anxiety outbursts.
Mental illness is as real and as equally significant as any other physiological disease. Sufferers need just as much help and support, therefore, ignorance may lead to grievous consequences. Sometimes, it’s okay to take matters into your own hands and make things better for yourself. The lack of open conversation about mental health among South Asian families like mine can lead to people perhaps not receiving the help that they need.
Gradually, despite the ups and downs, things got better. I will always remember 17th August 2016, because after a long interval, that is the day I realised that I’m completely happy. Knowing that there are other people out there going through the same things made me feel comforted. Eventually, I have been able to regain my sense of self worth and astonishingly, I was able to complete university that very year and graduate with honours.
I feel like I’ve allowed myself to let a lot of things go and I’m positive about what the future holds. One thing I’ve learnt is that as much as I value and appreciate my family and friends, happiness starts from within myself. if I can stay positive and make myself happy, everything else seems to fall into place.
The mind is a powerful thing. Two things that have had a surprising effect on my “road to recovery” are memories of my childhood and my faith in God. I often forget how blessed I truly am and reminding myself of that allows me to be humble, grateful and appreciate what I have while I still have it.
Because of the low period in my life, I am now a stronger person today and I go forward knowing that no matter how low life may get, things will always get better. And on that note, I eagerly anticipate and look forward to the adventure the lies ahead.
Yours truly,
G.Pillai
