Anxiety: What I want you to know
Anxiety is something which I have battled with for a few years and in my experience, it can be very difficult for someone else to understand what I’m going through, which ultimately leads me to feel alone and isolated. This is what I want other people to know.
I am not weak
I am stronger than people take me for. Having to fight a constant battle with myself every single day and still waking up every morning to fight the same battle again was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I think it takes a strong and a brave person to do that.
Simple tasks can be a BIG struggle
Most days, I would give into my fears, hide away and avoid any responsibilities. But at the same time, thoughts would unravel about the consequences of missing uni/work. Routinely, I would convince myself, “tomorrow, you will go to uni, you can’t keep doing this”.
On extremely rare days, I would force myself to go to in, but the entire time, I would sit there sweating and fidgeting, keeping my eye on the clock and waiting to get out. But more regularly, with a knot in my tummy and a racing pulse, I make it outside my lecture theatre. I stand there for a few minutes and with regret, end up going home in tears, hating myself.
As much as I try to push myself to be positive and not care, my emotions and anxiety eventually tend to get the better of me. Every morning was the same, regular struggle to get out of bed and I was terrified to do a simple, everyday task such as facing people or situations.
Theres always a voice inside my head
The voice is me, speaking to myself. It can be very difficult to keep myself together emotionally and I get completely fed up and disappointed at myself each time i fail to do so. The mind can be a war zone and I tend to beat myself up over unnecessary things as well as things that happened a long time ago, replaying scenarios in my head over and over again, unable to make it stop.
I can feel very alone
Despite having many loved ones around me, sometimes I can feel very alone. Although I’m feeling vulnerable, it’s a side of me that I would rather keep behind closed doors. Sometimes, I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t put me in a position where I have to.
At one point, a close group of friends of mine decided that it was time to give me an “intervention”. This was a VERY BAD idea. Personally, I am an individual who struggles to express my feelings thoroughly when put on the spot. Although their intentions were good, sitting in the hot seat and being told that “I’ve changed” did NOT, by any means, help me in any way. In fact, it did a lot more damage than they ever realised.
Being the centre of attention is very daunting and the things you say can can have a big impact on my sleep, appetite and self-confidence. This led me to pushing people away, because it’s just easier to not have to hear certain things which you know won’t help you feel any better.
I’m a very blessed person to have many people around me who care for me and my wellbeing and despite me rejecting their efforts, things would have been a lot more difficult without their support. Which brings me to my next point:
The things you say can really matter
Always remember that you never truly know what someone is going through, so try to be kind at all times. Even if you are trying to help, sometimes the things you say are less helpful than you intend.
“You’ve changed”.
Yes. I know. I’m trying my very hardest to be myself and reminding me that I’m now a depressed, anxious wreck only brings me back down.
“Calm down”. “You just need to be more positive”.
If only it were so easy. Telling someone to calm down or be positive doesn’t do the trick. If I could, I would. I don’t enjoy feeling sad and scared all the time. It’s something that I have no control over.
“It’s all in your head”.
This is something that I’m very aware of. I know that some of the thoughts are irrational. The thoughts might be in my head, but that doesn’t make the fear and the feelings any less real.
One of the most effective things you can do is remind someone that it’s not their fault. Being supportive is about being understanding and willing to listen. I know that you may never really know what’s going on in my head, but showing that you care and sometimes, by just being there, without trying to fix me, you can be the ray of sunshine that I need. Try to avoid group confrontations. This sometimes feels like an attack which can be quite distressing.
Anyone can develop anxiety
I guess I was very ignorant about anxiety, depression and mental health in general until I realised that I can actually sink as low as I did, which I never, ever thought I would being the typically positive person that I am.
Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Although I may be better at times, sometimes, the feelings of anxiety are beyond my control and it can be very physically and mentally exhausting. Mental illness is a very real part of many peoples’ lives and it may not always be obvious. You don’t have to suffer alone.
I am more than my anxiety
The anxiety is not a part of who I am, but it has made me the person that I am today. It has made me stronger as a person, knowing that I can provide myself with the comfort and companionship i need at times to get through the lows.
Looking back over the years, I can see how much I have grown and changed as a person and how many people have left and entered my life. But it’s all memories and memories mean a great deal to me, because even though people change, the good times and memories remain the same forever.
Thank you to my best friend Toni, for offering me
support and strength during the most difficult times and for being there for me when I needed her the most. Sometimes, people can leave a big mark in your life (good or bad). Without realising, because of her, I cried a little less and laughed a little more every day.
Thank you for reading. Stay blessed and beautiful.
Yours truly,
